I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
