just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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