I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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