I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
