i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
