hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
