i jhust puked up my retainher.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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