You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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