I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
