You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
