Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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