I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
