i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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