I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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