Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
