why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
