After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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