You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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