just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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