anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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