i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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