I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
