at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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