ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
