Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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