is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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