I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Did you pee in the oven last night??
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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