I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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