You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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