So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
