Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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