and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
