Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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