Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
