Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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