I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
