In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
