I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
