my phone needs a breathalizer
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
