god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
