People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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