dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
