I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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