I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Randomize
