Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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