I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
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