so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
