farters have to be the big spoon...
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
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