He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
