see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Found your dick twin last night
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
