Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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