I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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