Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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