paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
