Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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