I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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