There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize