This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize