I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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