OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
