Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
