From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Randomize
