I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Pants are for mortals
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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