So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
