at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
