all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
