Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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